What am I doinggg

I've always wondered how things aren't always like "do not do unto others what you do not want them to do unto you".

For example, privacy. Someone who needs privacy would probably find it difficult to not invade others' privacy. Of course, there are several reasons for our need for privacy but in general, to obtain privacy means to have a control over what others can see and what they cannot.

To do that, one must be able to understand the other party (person A) to know HOW to protect him/herself from person A. It requires understanding person A without him knowing you're doing so such that you can have perfect control. And to do that, you need to intrude into Person A's privacy. (which contradicts how one can value privacy and intrude into others' privacy at the same time)

Different people work on different logic, of course.


Or trust. Someone who lacks trust in others would most probably want others to trust them. So they start out with "I want others to trust me" and rightfully, they should trust others as well but they obviously can't.

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Anyway, I chose these two examples for a reason. There isn't anything called trust or privacy in this house. After so much frustration about these two issues, I somehow found some links between them.

1a) my mom's lack of trust in me (why, I haven't figured out) +
1b) her wanting to protect me from harm (she reads too much about adolescents turning uh.. bad) It's because she loves me but it really gets a little too extreme..

2) her need to know everything about me (and complaining that I hide too much, which I do as a result of 3)

3a) thus flipping through my things without permission (I saw her doing that to someone else when I was young and she'll look at whatever that's on the table or on the computer screen, and she picked up the phone at least 3 times when I was talking to my friend just to check if it was a boy -it wasn't- AND looked at my account books etc. and probably other stuff on my table AND complained about not letting her read my blog)
3b) questioning me when she finds something fishy (which may not be anything at all, just over suspecting)

4) my instinct to hide everything from her and valuing privacy

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In no way am I trying to blame her for my state, I do not have an intention to. I just want to find out the reason why I'm like that and do something about it. So pardon me if the tone sounds harsh (that's something I really have to improve on), and for point 3 which sounded like I'm ranting. Okay, maybe I was ranting at point 3 but that's where it stops. Well anyway it might partly be my fault that she doesn't trust me.

Always focus on the positive goal and not the negative past right?



Sadly, we always tell ourselves "I don't want to be like my parents in xxx aspects when I grow up!" but we always do. UNLESS we actively try to do something about it. Give me time, I'll try.

I can't stand who's inside my body.
I can list all that I'm concerned about so easily:

Recently, whatever I do makes others and myself upset.

I hate it when people talk like they're superior.
I hate it when people talk like they know me best. They don't.
Is that same as liking superiority and hating inferiority?

I see flaws in others and myself far too well. Too well.

My all-or-nothing mentality makes me not want to do anything.

The fact that I don't trust anyone makes me frustrated.

My insecurities are killing me. And others around me.
There are very little people I dare to say "I love you" to without the fear of them being disgusted. Or telling them that when they don't even like me half as much as I like them. Rejection.

I understand myself so much that I end up feeling as though I don't know myself at all because of the confusion.

I'd really rather be alone. But being alone too much is... lonely.


My need for privacy contradicts whatever I'm writing here.

Just why have I grown into this person? I prefer the old me.
I just need an answer for this. Why am I not easy going anymore?

All my abnormal dreams must be explanations for these.



http://arstechnica.com/staff/fatbits/2009/05/hypercritical.ars

I feel EXACTLY like this guy. I've become too critical of myself and others that I end up seeing nothing but flaws, pissing others off, getting increasingly frustrated with myself and not trusting others.

.. on the other hand, I'm afraid if I try to lose that critical part of me, all the things I do will turn out horrid. I'm afraid I'll accept things at certain levels even if they are not good enough. I think I need help this is driving me crazy and increasingly isolated from everyone.

Why is there so much hatred in me? Where has the girl from a few years ago gone to? Why is there so much jealousy, lack of trust and doubt? What is this loneliness I speak of, have I really created it myself?

ART

What is the purpose of art? Expression for the artist, and to provoke thought, for the audiences? What role does this subjectivity play in our lives when we are not the ones creating these pieces? Art serves great purpose to the artist himself, it is a mere point of view from the artist. Do Audiences like it because it echoes their thoughts? I realised I only like art pieces which echo my thoughts and for those I don't agree with, it makes me think. Do people like art for any other reasons?

Even though I always procrastinate and leave studying for the very very last minute, I'll miss studying for SOVA. It's really interesting when you read in depth - just that I've started too late again. Art isn't like other subjects though, it isn't all about the studying but interpretation and how you react to it. And that's why I like it

AM I BLOODY LOSING MY MEMORY? WHY CAN I NOT REMEMBER THE NOTES TO THE SONG I PRACTISED YESTERDAY, AND IT WAS A SONG THAT KEPT PLAYING IN MY HEAD TILL THE MOMENT I FELL ASLEEP? WHY DO I FORGET WHATEVER PEOPLE SAY AFTER A FEW SECONDS? WHY CAN I NOT REMEMBER NAMES ANYMORE? WHY DO I FORGET THE SPELLING OF WORDS WHEN I USED TO BE SO GOOD AT IT? JUST WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN MY BRAIN? RIGHT NOW? TELL ME NOW?

Chopin Polonaise - I'm going to play it after A's. And if I forget again I will play till I remember. But why is this happening?!

I change my mind. I'm gonna tackle other pieces before taking on such a difficult challenge especially since I've stopped for so long. Maybe I should play two at the same time?

Note the stark contrast in the kinds of emotions you'll go through when you read these two websites.

Auschwitz - gate to hell
Auschwitz Museum site


I want to visit Auschwitz-Birkenau (Nazi concentration camp for jewish, soviet POWs and other prisioners in the south of poland, oswiecim) to see for myself if I'll get that overwhelming feeling, seeing how I'm normally desensitized when it comes to dramas about murder and all. Dramas are very different from reality afterall. You could say I'm slightly sadistic, I forgot if it scares me. It doesn't scare me anymore. .. maybe not. Some of the information are just too scary.

If you try researching on the Auschwitz and the reactions of the visitors, many described it as "overwhelming, chilling, life-changing experience". I want to know if I'll feel that way too, or if I'll simply nod my head, flinch alittle and move on.

{edit} I TAKE BACK MY WORDS. Reading too much makes me alittle sick, especially the experiements{/edit}

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After reading the first one I thought I was truly desensitized as I felt almost nothing, nodding my head at the kind of torture equipments they had. Reading the second article proved me wrong, for I did feel for the people. It's probably because putting things into context allows you to relate to the people more, instead of cold, hard facts about torture equipments in the second site.

Along with photos like THESE, and the part about the doctors using the prisoners as experiments it's difficult to not be able to feel. I can't imagine walking in wooden carved shoes, (do check the other photos out). It's extremely strange that I find dissection and blood less scary than walking in wooden shoes and using bowls for eating, washing, and as pillows. Tell me if you feel the same?

I also heard about the entire deadly atmosphere, especially in winter where there aren't any birds in the sky at all and the place is just filled with a sense of vast emptiness. Totally different from what you'll experience from just looking at photographs.

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The thing is, my family will be joining my brother in Europe at the end of his exchange program in sweden in June. Visiting a sunny concentration camp would defeat the purpose of visiting it in the first place, wouldn't it? But then again, will I ever get the chance to visit it during a chilly month of december?

Ah, I asked myself why I wanted to visit it so badly. Still in search of an answer. Most probably the one I've given above.

Hmmmmmm. Why do I write on this blog?

Edward Hopper - New York Movie
(my favourite Hopper painting)
-
'have you ever been alone in a crowded room?'

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The twenty minutes in school today was absolutely terrible so I left. It's as though all the colours were drained from this world and I was the ONLY one feeling that way.

It wasn't the fear of being SEEN alone, I don't fear the looks of others anymore. Anyway in actual fact there were people all around me. It's just this entire... empty space engulfing me even though there were people around me. So I went to school hoping I'd meet people but left knowing that wouldn't even happen. I got so sick of the feeling I had to leave. Thoughts about yourself are THAT powerful.

I thought about stuff on the bus and tried to be logical about it. Then I went home and watched dramas and played the piano to put my emotions in other areas, which kind of worked. Dramas can amplify certain emotions in you and help you forget about your bad ones momentarily.

Really.. I don't feel like myself lately. It's quite annoying when you find yourself saving things as drafts or when everything goes into your personal diary. It feels as though I have forbidden thoughts that can't be shown to the world. This isn't me at all, is it?

I wouldn't imagine myself suppressing my emotions but that's exactly what I'm trying to do these days. It's so unlike me to let my brain tell me what is the RIGHT way to feel so as to control my emotions. Don't I normally let myself be sad? It's more like "there's no use in being sad!" "there's no use in panicking!" or "that's the point in feeling that way?" kind of thing these days.

Horowitz playing Chopin's Polonaise in A flat major op. 53


I think I spent 2 or 3 hours playing parts 0:35 to 1:10 cause I was so frustrated about not getting the notes right (gonna take forever with the song 10 times the length of that). The tune came to me (of all days), no thanks to my dad who has the cd and got all excited over it too. (and started explaining how CDs, LDs and vinyl discs are made)

Ah, at least I know I don't give up easily in everything.... -_-

Can't wait for the end of the A'sssssss. I'll finally get a guitar and I'll play the piano all day (if I'm not out, that is). Music's probably the only thing I love soo much such that not being fantastic doesn't take away any joy during the process. Okay, it did last time (I scrunched up my exam book into a ball) but not anymore. I wish I put in more time in the past, but that's alright I'll improve from this point.

& yeah I listen to classical and I love it alot. It's not geeky :) (anyway, what impression do most people have on classical music??)

save as draft. There's so much you can't say.

I don't want anybody to read this long ranty post but I don't want to save it as a draft either cause suppressing your feelings sucks. This shall stay.

I've never felt like this before. I've always whined about being alone but this time it translates to a different feeling altogether. I don't feel like whining. I don't feel like speaking. I don't know how to feel. I want to cut my heart open and show it to someone, my brain, whatever. I really wish someone would understand me without having to speak. Everything I say turns out wrong.

I feel really empty today. But not sad. I'd usually feel extremely sad and emo and find someone to whine to when I feel lonely but I didn't. I've never really been this lonely before, but I don't FEEL sad like I did. Maybe I'm just used to it. It's been a month anyway. I don't know what to feel. I guess that's the feeling you get when you keep things to yourself. I didn't know who to turn to, without worrying about being a nuisance to them. I hate that feeling. Hate.

I messaged some friends to fill that gap but it doesn't make things better when you realise you're on the bus alone, they're not around you and probably with their own friends, and you're probably not needed by anybody at all. Worst of all, there are people you can't talk to because you've built that wall in the past. Just what on earth is forgiveness and karma? and trust? and love? there's no such thing as forever. It doesn't exist.

I want to do something for someone, without them suspecting if I'm doing it just to feel less lonely. Does forgiveness exist? They wouldn't believe me even if I told them I didn't feel that way. Or maybe I don't even understand myself. I don't understand myself.


I feel like I've switched place with some people. I feel segregated from the rest of the world. I don't like talking to people anymore. It tires me alot. I'm getting too used to staying at home, being alone and enjoying it. And that becomes clearer when you go back to the society and realise your absence doesn't make a difference to anybody's life.

I feel like I don't belong with them anymore. It gets worse when you watch dramas of groups of friends being together, and words like "It's okay if nobody believes you, as long as there's one person who does". I wonder if there's anybody? Not just anybody who cares about me, I know there are, but somebody who sees me as a best friend and vice versa. Even as I'm typing this, I'm afraid it'd be viewed as "just whining". I want to move to a new place. I want to move to a new environment and start all over again.


I'm no longer afraid of reaching out to people first. But I might just retreat back to that shell again. Perhaps it's still a better thing to lock yourself at home. You won't see anybody. No expression from people that will affect you, no jealousy from looking at others laugh and play while you sit and try to mix in. But you never will. It's tiring to always be the one being left out. It's been like that since young. Am I that strange?

I don't know what to feel. Why am I not sad at a time where I should have the most right to be upset? Feels like I'm going to erupt someday. I'm afraid I'll spew everything out once there's someone who'll let me open up. I'm afraid I'll start whining. People hate that.

I haven't been blogging lately, suddenly afraid of people getting offended by what I say. Wondering if what I'm saying is right afterall. I guess there are certain points of view that people don't accept, and certain personalities people won't accept. I wonder if I've reached breaking point? No.



For the first time, I don't feel a need for anybody to read this. I just need a space. and saving it as a draft makes me feel like I'm suppressing my feelings and I know I'll erupt if I do that.

Something else scares me. I don't want next year to come. I don't know if I should take private or choose to retain. I hate being in school. It amplifies the feeling of loneliness by a million times. I hate being in school, I hate seeing people together. I hate the feeling of jealousy. I hate it when I get affected by people so easily. I hate it all. But I know I'll hate being alone at home in time to come. Knowing you're really just going through everything alone, again.

I can't go on like this forever, even if I tell myself it's okay.


I've been oddly optimistic despite all these. I keep telling myself "it's okay", "it's just a phase". I really hope it is. I believe so.

I miss coursework all of a sudden.

I miss all the stuff we do in the art room.

Ahhh.

There's something wrong with my mind.

Cut my brain open I want to see how it looks like.

Jumbled up, perhaps?

Should this explain the disappearance of a few posts?

heartstrings.. and a pair of scissors

So I visited a few tumblrs (or tumblr blog or whatever you call it) with the usual lovey-dovey quotes/words from heartbroken girls.

and I realised I'm definitely incapable of loving anybody to the extent of missing him/her so much. There's nobody floating in my mind instinctively. It's quite easy to achieve after tons of bad experiences, really. Having people (or a person) on your mind wherever, whenever is absolutely annoying. If it's a one-way kind of thing, that is.

Like some instruction manual, heartless: cut yourself off, don't expect people to be with you forever, don't even think of how your friendship/relationship will be 10 years later. Just live in the moment, don't get disappointed when someone does not care as much for you as you care for them because there is absolutely no use in feeling sad.

Cut, cut, cut away.. and then all you're left with is you, yourself and.. yourself in your own little world. Congratulations, you've achieved independence. I wonder if being self-centered is a side effect? Strangely, I feel abit less self-centered when my mind's thinking straight so everything might lead to an improvement afterall.

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But, like all things in life, it is just a PHASE. That's how I see it at least. It won't mean you'll be heartless forever cause you'll slowly discover what love is all about again - without the fear of being hurt or losing people around you. Lessons from past mistakes will definitely come in handy. I think we can all take the chance to improve ourselves further too.

Only loss is change in personality, I suppose.



That said, I still feel like a completely heartless being. On one hand, it eradicates my extremely emotional moments but on the other hand.. I'm just not sure if it's such a good thing afterall..

I DON'T EVEN SOUND LIKE MYSELF HERE. Not like the girl from the posts a few months ago. But that's how I've been these days, so... I've changed, I guess. I only hope it's temporary.

As much as it makes me feel better, it's quite disgusting to feel inhumane. It's been showing in my dreams too, obviously.

It's monday. There isn't any stress getting to me. I know what my future's gonna be like. Putting in your effort halfway wouldn't make a difference dammit, people tell me to do my best for now but nooooo it has to be GREAT or well, just don't do it.

But I can't run away this time.. besides I've already taken half the papers. You just have to fail before you realise something don't you? I'm fine with dying for now. So.. let's see what can be done in 3 days. (who am I kidding? That do it well or just don't do it at all mentality is still getting to me)

The first step starts from not doubting myself. Inner me who thinks I'll never work hard, shut up. If it makes things better, I was once capable of working hard... until hell broke loose in sec 3. Don't know what the hell happened then, the rebellious and lazy side of me probably got too sick of homework.

Sloth is a deadly drug, I never got rid of it since it entered my life. Second, don't get complacent. I wish nobody said anything. They should've said I was stupid so I'd work my ass off for better grades. Nobody's to blame except for me, of course. Last, take responsibility for your own life.

I watched a movie, Ao no Hono (the blue flame) last night.
(Sacrificed 1.5 hours of my sleep for that)

Found a really wonderful review HERE
(very structured, in-depth and detailed analysis)

Story of a boy who sins to save: Basically it's about 17 year old suichi (played by nino) plotting to kill his step dad who entered their house one day after divorcing his mom. All he does is to drink and beat them up, so Shuichi, filled with hatred, decided to kill him to protect his sister and mom with the help of the internet and library books.

It was staged like a natural death but one of his friends found out so Shuichi fooled him into staging a robbery at his workplace and killed him to keep his mouth shut.

However, he had problems covering his tracks and was forced to turn himself in. The day he was supposed to report to the police station, he met up with the girl of his interest who said to him:

Did you really kill them? I can’t think of anyone that I would want to kill. But I guess that people get caught up in situations – where they’re forced to kill.”

Relieved that he was justified in the girl's eyes, Shuichi ran his road racer into a van, leaving her with just a tape recording of him listing his favourite things, and his family behind.

---

He's no psychopath though, for all these was done out of his one and only will - to protect his family.

I've left out the parts with romance and many details. The coolest part is the fact that Shuichi lives in a garage and sleeps in a large fish tank flooded with blue lights and tells his secrets to a tape recorder.

I really loved nino's convincing acting here. Really convincing.

-------

I should watch comedies after the A's, too much exposure to these films will surely leave me desensitized to issues of violence or death :/

If not, I'll get to my econs books now.

Bought 3 CDs!


Oasis - stop the clock
(old 2006 compilation album)


Olivia Ong - Just for you
17 originals from her. I prefer her covers though :/


王力宏 - 十八般武藝

... and now, plain bread for the rest of the week if i study out?

No matter, it's all worth it! The greatest incentive is that I can play these on the sound system! And I do feel bad for downloading my music all these while.. artists don't earn much from selling records these days thanks to people like us who download practically everything. You might just kill a talented singer just because they don't act/have product endorsements/perform in concerts! (I'm sure there are more reasons but that's all I know for now) So support your favourite artists and buy there CDs!

Okay, I wouldn't say Oasis is my favourite band, but I always listen to them when I've got nothing else to listen to, so I think I must like them quite abit to know that they'll definitely please my ears when all other songs fail to do so at certain times. (they've disbanded though :( )

My friend lent me the Lee Hom CD a month ago but I thought I should buy it too, haha.

I intended to get a japanese album too but they have limited variety here :( and they're so expensive, 69 for an album is out of my budget. I'll buy online if I really want to.. and that'd have to wait since most of them are idol crazes. The jap fangirls will do the job. (unless I can find nino's album with niji in it)

I dreamt myself of killing a friend a few days ago (can't recall who).

Sounds pretty lame like that but it was so real (especially the dilemma at the back), I woke up 2 hours late just to complete the dream. The freaky part wasn't the graphics, it was more of the internal conflict in me. And primary school composition conclusions never seemed that real.. "I was relieved it was all a dream". HAHA.

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We were taking turns to kill each other with a gun and I shot my first friend who volunteered herself. Thought it'd be fine to kill since I was gonna die anyway. The bullet went through her heart while she was sitting and leaning by the pillar, her head tilted to one side when she stopped breathing, her blouse soaked in blood.

So we shot the first two in the toilet when this random bespectacled girl walked in with an ashen face. I calmly explained that we're merely rehearsing for a school play and that the blood was fake. I remember giving my friend the "yessss" signal when she went into the cubicle.

So we went around the school looking for a great spot to kill each other and found this huge toilet near the canteen with strange music playing near the vents. There was a rattlesnake and the third friend screamed "omg snakkeeee I don't want to die I don't want to dieeee!" (I guess getting shot by a gun beats being bitten to death by a snake)

We ran out of that place as fast as we could, just to find one of our teachers dragging out one of the dead bodies.

Well too bad that was fake. Feigned murder. We previously got a friend (I can remember his face, he was my senior back in secondary school) to pretend to be dead and the moment they dragged him out in the open he sprung up and went "SURPRISE YOU GOT TRICKED!!". Come to think of it that was pretty lame...

----

Somehow that teacher had a suspicious look on her face and I got really freaked all of a sudden. Well, we're all gonna die anyway so it'd be fine, I told myself repeatedly. But scenes of my family members crying over the newspapers with the headlines "group of girls kills each other for fun in school" entered my head.

I fought hard to push those images aside but I felt their pain at that moment. Losing a loved one over her childish acts? I don't want them to suffer that way. I love them too much.

There were racing thoughts in my mind then. I should live on, for the sake of my family.. yes.. but that'll only mean getting caught and put to jail, with a beautifully ruined future. What's the value of life behind bars? My family would be equally heartbroken and with a black mark, there wouldn't be a place for me in society in the future. But I'm sure that'd still be better than having a dead daughter.


Living a life of pain just for the ones you love or painless escape with a simple pull of the trigger? The reason why I struggled with my decision was because I loved them too much. I don't think I've ever felt myself love anybody that much before.

I remained silent while the rest were still looking for a perfect spot to die.. why had I volunteered to make the first pull of the trigger? If I hadn't done so, I could've backed out of everything without leaving a print on my life.

... so it went on till I woke up, EXTREMELY relieved of course.

-----------------------------------------------

I've failed to capture the emotions I had in my dream. FAIL. It was just extremely scary and guilt can really kill you. Hardest decision I've ever made (okay attempted to make) so far.

I read that dreams of murder can mean one is about to get rid of certain habits once and for all and.. I've noticed some changes in me. Don't know if it's just my imagination or it's real. All I know is this dream was pretty darn amazing.

Two years ago, I dreamt of someone I know cutting bodies into pieces (they looked like embryos) and dumping each individual part into dustbins along an entire row of bungalows after placing them in take-away containers. How gross. I woke up in the middle of the night that time, thoroughly freaked and retreated to the comfort of the wall.


I am so freaky. Try looking "dreams of murder" on google though, some people dream of these on a weekly basis and they're far more scary than mine. Well, they say things you dream of don't usually come true and I honestly do not have any murderous intent. But I don't understand why I feel entirely fine letting the whole world see my freaky side.

I am so freaky it scares me sometimes... nah not really those psychopaths in shows are worse. Gonna watch Ao no Hono after A's!

Shadow project part 1&2
(the 2nd part, the (hand) shadow show itself is amazing,
around the middle of the video)

Looking at the children and Koyama (celebrity) work so hard is really heartwarming. Basically a few artists are each attached to a certain project for charity, and Koyama's was about learning sign language to connect with 9 kids who are hearing impaired and putting up a finger shadow puppet show with them.

You can see how he was really serious about helping them, considering even the smallest details from their point of view and his willingness to put in 100% effort. Not for success or the amount of money it can raise, but for the kids and their parents.

Fund raising concerts aren't too meaningful sometimes because it feels like they are simply going through the motions, but seeing them put in sooo much effort into helping the disabled in this video really brings tears to my eyes. Putting in our best effort to help others is of utmost importance, giving should come from the heart as well right?

One more video (split into two)

This one is about his visit to a school which trains service dogs to help those who are hearing impaired. The school offers training spots for recluses and the unemployed, I think it's for a good cause. An interviewed recluse said he gained confidence by taking care of the dogs, and that it was easier to open up to them because humans lie but dogs are loyal and stay true to their owner. Basically the setting up of this school benefits:

1) the hearing impaired
2) the dogs picked up from pounds, which would otherwise be abandoned
3) recluses and unemployed not ready to step into the society yet.

"humans lie to each other, but dogs don't lie to anyone"

--

It's encouraging to know that there are actually people making their little contributions to make this world a better place. Maybe I shouldn't be too cynical about things afterall.

I haven't been writing lately, but I've changed the most during this period. This time, it feels abit like growing up, being able to accept things as they are.

I also wonder if it's a good thing, to be able to cut people away,
not holding on to anything at all. Is this moving on? letting go? ignorance?

No jealousy, no hurt (or at least not long lasting) involved.
just makes me feel much less human.
And increasingly isolated from the rest of the world.

The journey home was a lonely one today (it's been like that the past month), but I got over it anyway. There isn't any use in feeling sad about not having something, and no point in regretting.

It's nice at home though, you won't feel alone because there isn't anybody else around (that are not alone), you don't have to bother about finding things to say, there's absolute space and freedom.

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On a separate note, I value (complete) privacy but I'm overly curious about things and people. Is this reverse psychology, or what?

Ninomiya Kazunari - Yume

One more wouldn't hurt, right? It's based on Yume by shibata Jun, nino omitted some parts and switched some sentences around.

I love this one even more than the previous two.. O: Because I have a natural inclination towards sad and depressing songs, and music which paint images. They set the mood for the lyrics.


Shibata Jun - Yume

Her voice is pretty damn awesome too.

Ninomiya Kazunari - Niji

The seasons bring the evening sunlight
The shadows find me and stretch toward me...


Gosh I love nino so. He wrote the music and lyrics for this too! Niji means rainbow, btw. I just discovered this one today, think I like this one even more than Konseki~ You'll fall in love with it even if you don't love japanese songs, I'm sure. Emotive songs are the best.

Ninomiya Kazunari - Konseki (kako)

written by nino himself :) Konseki = imprints. Kako = past. I've never really noticed the lyrics since it sounded nice enough just with the music. Pardon me for the excessive use of the word beautiful, but it really is. Tops my list when it comes to Japanese songs for sure.

Translation:

Never fading, never fading, traces of the early summer's rain
The tracks left by tears never dry
I can't erase, I can't erase the shadow of the one I love
That arises in the dark night

Walking along the riverside as the sun sets
Together with you and our smiles
What should we do for dinner today?
It was a small, such a small, everyday kind of happiness

After you died, you went on living deep in my heart

Even if I come to love someone else
They'll never be more than just "someone else"
Even if I continue on through countless seasons
The truth is, I'm afraid that if I let go, you'll disappear

Gazing at this violet, it's so beautiful
But one day it will wither...
Time blends with the crimson of the evening
Leaving two reflections on the water's surface...
I was so afraid to see those silhouettes
Join together to become one
I noticed it too late
Only one is reflected there...

The seeds I buried in my heart then
Began to sprout after the twentieth day
The form, the shape may be different, but the love is unchanging
A gently shining light

--

Back to geog -
I forgot to mention I had an absolutely freaky dream last night. The details will spoil the post so I'll leave it for next time. Goodluck for the A's!

Ueda Tatsuya - Ai no Hana

(watch from 6:28 and ignore the other parts in front)

I love the lights! (not in a very descriptive mood right now so just watch it) I can just stare at it in my dreamy state the whole day. Music and Lyrics both by Ueda. It's a beautiful song :)


Lyrics + translation here, and alittle interpretation of the song too:

"While the words themselves aren't anything particularily original, I love how Ueda uses "sakura flowers" and "flowers" in general to make the distinction between past and future loves.

"Flowers" represent love and he has already let the Sakura flower bloom in his heart - but it didn't work out. He has only "eternal memories and an eternal smile" left of that love to take with him. The soil of his heart will never have a sakura grow in it again - each flower can only grow once - but one day, he'll walk down the path of love and let another type of flower, another love, bloom in his heart.

The last stanza actually sends shivers down my spine, it's so packed with meaning."


It's not exactly the voice or him being cute that I love so much, it's his quiet disposition and not always trying to show himself, his talent in composing, the whole mysterious aura (yet cute at the same time), him being a deep thinker AND as strange as me. The face is a bonus, of course.

I'll be in silent admiration & not attempt to sound convincing whatsoever.

(before you read further, nothing happened recently. This is just something I wanted to say all along, I found the right words today.)

Tears are just by-products of emotions, nothing more

It's not the sympathy I need when I cry, I don't even want it. It's just a natural reaction, not so much of an expression of my emotions but a by-product.

Asking "why are you crying?" (in the "Is there any use in crying when it doesn't change anything?" kind of tone) is like asking "what's the use of being happy/sad?" Do these questions actually make sense?

It doesn't go as far as "why are you crying? You want my sympathy? You want me to be nicer to you now?" like most people think. Not for my case at least. It's funny how alot of people think people cry because they want the attention, or want others to take pity on them and forgive them etc.

-

I'm quite immune to tears. This sounds strange after all that I've said but it makes sense. I'm immune to it that's why I don't think there's a problem with it, or I won't feel uneasy when I see someone crying. I grew up in an environment where it's not seen as a sign of weakness.

I'm unlikely to comfort people when they're crying unless I understand their situation. (I try to understand most of the time, of course) Yeah maybe I'm strange like that. So don't be too freaked out when I start crying or something, leave me alone if its disturbing.

I need to grow up. Some of my earlier posts are so offensive and defensive they make me feel stupid and immature.

I can't handle my emotions too well, the kind that wouldn't allow people to misunderstand me and when they do, I'll go to all lengths to explain myself (sometimes adopting rather condescending or defensive tones). Guess that gives me the freedom to do whatever I want since most won't bother to correct me eventually.. but that isn't the right way to go, is it?

Since it's close to impossible to make myself a less sensitive person (even my physical senses), I really gotta take note of my tone when I speak to people or write here. Just thought I should write this down.

I'm back to my jpop/poprock. They have the power to make you listen to them just because.. they have pretty boys. I can't believe I'm saying this. I swore not to be like that! (felt quite immature during my sec 3 period where I was crazy over yamapi) It's now Ueda Tatsuya (and kat-tun)! I have a soft spot for people who write their own music ahhhh. And the whole pretty thing's a plus point. And you know, sensitivity.

Rock's pretty good if you want to get lost in your own world, or if you want to stop yourself from getting too emotional, it kinda blocks your heart out. I'd normally listen to sad music when I'm sad but blocked some feelings out with the music today. Wouldn't want to get too emotional a week before the exams you know? Speaking of the exams.. I don't even want to speak of it. Screwed xE99.

Why is it that things only get better when I don't love my friends as much/place too much importance on them? I'm only better cause it doesn't bother me that much that I'm not their closest friend. I'm nobody closest friend. When will anybody ever love me as much as I'll love them?